It's Complicated

Don't worry. This post is not about a romantic relationship with another human being. It's much worse than that. This post will be about my relationship with the internet. Trust me, it is very complicated.

On the one hand, I LOVE the internet. I'm definitely the stereotypical millennial who can't take her eyes off the screen. I will spend hours on the internet doing various things--at the same time. When I first got my laptop, it was bad. And I mean bad. Like, I need to go AA meeting for internet addicts bad. Thankfully, I've gotten a handle on it. Still, I am more active on the World Wide Web than ever before. I have three or four personal accounts on social media. In addition, I have to do research for personal writing projects and school papers, and I have an online class. It's rare that I don't have to be connected to the internet for a school assignment. It's even rarer that I do not turn on my laptop. I can count on one hand the amount of days I have not even turned on my beloved computer. One, two . . . three? I'm feeling optimistic: let's go with three days out of two months of summer.

Maybe I do still need Internet Addicts Anonymous.

On the other hand, I am terrified of and frustrated with the internet. It has a hold over me that I'm sure is shared by many people. A hold that I daily allow to be exercised. For example, I listen to music or watch a Youtube video every morning while I get ready for the day. Sometimes my music is from iTunes, but often it is Spotify because of the variety. If Spotify for some reason is not working properly for some reason, I get upset and irritated. I might just have five minutes before I have to leave, but I will still attempt to fix the problem.

Then there's the distraction side. I've written about this before, but I think it's worth mentioning again. My number one issue with getting homework finished is getting distracted by the internet. Whether my homework has to be done with the aid of the internet or not, I have at least one other tab open. Half the time I don't even care what I'm looking up. I'll write a paragraph for an essay then open Pinterest or even just Google. I'll look up random things that I'm indifferent too. It's almost like I'm forcing myself to be distracted by the internet. As I'm writing this, I have three tabs open. One is for music; the other two are taking up tab bar and mental space. I feel like I have to keep them open, too. If I close them, it is both a relief and concern: what if I missed something important? The probability of missing something truly important on the internet is not great at all.

Some days my discipline is good, even great. Others, it is lacking to the point it takes me three hours to finish one assignment that should take me a half hour. Or, if I'm doing something personal on social media, I get distracted with other social media. See what's happening? No matter what I'm doing, the internet hampers me. Of course, it does help. Easybib.com and online databases from a university's library are blessings to be sure; music also helps me concentrate--mostly. Social media can increase the chance of being noticed by potential employers . . .  while at the same time scaring them away if you post something distasteful. All in all, I love the internet. I'm pretty sure I'd deeply mourn the loss of it. But I also wish I could ignore it. I suppose I could turn it off or disconnect my computer from it, but that's not likely to happen.